The Bone Collector

Well, what could I say...
On my previous blog, I was sulking about my abruptly ended pregnancy and how I missed my baby girl so much. But to my utter bewilderment, I got pregnant again in November 2013! Satya and I could not be happier. We were very careful; ate the most healthy food, were less stressed at work and kept up to date on our progress. We also went for check ups whenever we have doubt and just to check if our baby is growing well. Of course, the mishap of my previous pregnancy kept haunting me but the doctors reassured me that things were looking promising especially when I passed the first trimester without any complications.

Disparate to my first pregnancy, I was putting a stable healthy weight and we were happy with the baby's growth. However, as I approach the 18th week of my pregnancy, I was feeling insecure as I have yet to feel my baby move. Therefore, on February 22, 2014 (Saturday), Satya and I headed to Osaka University and requested that the baby is checked. I was so relieved to hear the strong heartbeat of my baby. The doctor assured me that the baby is growing very well. The ultrasound scan showed that my baby had grown really well. It was one of the happiest moment ever.

We were scheduled for an anomaly scan at 18 weeks pregnancy on February 28, 2014 and headed to the hospital hoping to find the sex of our baby. I was first scheduled for a Doppler ultrasound to check the heartbeat of the baby. But to my horror, the midwife could not find/hear the heartbeat after several tries. I grew anxious and imagined the worse. My baby was fine just a few days back. We were then scheduled for an abdomen ultrasound to check the condition of the baby. Satya was there when we entered the room and when the technician started scanning, we knew that something had gone amiss. My baby was lying still and there were no heartbeat...

So, it happened again. I have lost my baby, again at 18 weeks pregnancy. I could not say much or even believed it. I was admitted in the hospital that Sunday ( March 2, 2014) to be induced for delivery. We could never believe that we would go through this agonizing procedure again. I was induced for delivery on March 3, 2014. I was given oxytocin every three hours to induce delivery. Initially, I had pain but it subsided after I was given the third dose and there were no pain even for the subsequent fourth and fifth dose. I was sent back to my ward as only five dose of oxytocin were given for a day. We went back to the ward feeling utterly disappointed and extremely sad. I was confused, sad and in disbelievement as I could not digest of what and why all these were happening. Why did I lose my baby again? Was it something that I could have done? Was I unfit for pregnancy? Did I purposely lose my babies? Why can't I have a healthy full term baby? Was it a mistake to have tried again? But the doctors assured us that I am fit for pregnancy. What went wrong?

The next day, I was induced for delivery again and the pain started with the second dose of oxytocin. The moment I was given the third dose at 1pm, the pain became strong and I knew the baby is coming. As the midwife was checking and calling the doctor, I had the urge to push and delivered my baby. The doctors and midwives arrived and helped to further deliver my baby. I have delivered the baby in full sac and with the placenta attached at the top. I peeked and saw that the baby was big and it was so sad to see my baby lying still in the amniotic sac.

My beautiful daughter was then passed to me. She looked so poised and adorable. She could have been a perfect daughter, so calm and beautiful. She looked more like Satya and with my abdomen.
I was discharged the next day and we arranged for an autopsy. We really hope that they could find the reason of the fetal demise.

My was baby was cremated on Friday, March 7,2014. We brought back her bones to keep with us. Now I have two vials containing the bones of my two baby girls. I always wanted to become a mother. I was blessed with two pregnancies but I have no daughters to hold, kiss, adore, look after, smell, spoil and most importantly love...But all I have, is just the memories of my short pregnancies, ultrasound pictures and the bones of my babies... Amma chello kuddy babies...