That Which Does Not Kill Us, Makes Us Stronger

I have no special purpose for this post. My best friend’s mother passed away last year and today my friend sent me a message expressing her feelings towards the loss. She wanted to share her feelings since I lost my baby girl too.

Whilst communicating with her I realized many things. To suffer and to be in pain is like a norm for me now. I may be exaggerating comparing to the many sufferings around the world that went unnoticed. I am considered the lucky few. I am lucky enough to get a kidney transplanted. I have been supported tremendously by family and selected friends. My wonderful Satya who proceeded to marry me and still clinging strongly to our marriage after all the mishaps we went through. Sometimes the both of us just become numb of all the happenings. Most of the time we couldn't find reasons for certain happenings leaving us clueless and frustrated (i.e we still don’t know why my kidneys failed in 2007).

The kindness of people around me melts my heart at times. Well, I am doomed to be sick. As bitter as it is, I am who I am now and I have accepted this and moved on. But seeing the wonderful people wanting so much for me to be alive inspire me to keep breathing. I am not saying that I am suicidal. I never am. I have always been optimistic and strived on no matter what happens. But I cannot deny that the major part of me to be optimistic is for the love of the loved ones (My donor, family especially my mom, Satya and some friends). I am cheerful amidst them and always do my best to be strong in front of them.

As for my mom, she never had a smooth life. She lost her mom when she was 6 years old and since then fighting over her life’s turmoil. Now that she had brought up her kids, she should relax and enjoy the rest of her life but since I got sick, I doubt if she’s ever relaxed. She was there looking after me during my dialysis, my transplantation and bunch of uneasiness I was exposed to. I finally thought that my pregnancy cheered her up, but even that didn't last long. I haven’t shared the story of my lost, but it was devastating and I suffered tremendously. Yet, what kept me moving? It’s the love of the loved ones, amma, donor and Satya. These people have been fighting with me, coping with me and loving me to great extent. Therefore, the greatest gift I can give them is to stay alive and living the life as happily as possible.

My Precious

This is the day that I almost lost my ring, my wedding ring.
My day was going as usual, meaning I was in the lab doing my work when I realized that it's my duty to sort the garbage this week. I admit it's not a pleasant task, but in Japan, the students sort garbage by themselves unlike in Malaysia where we have special parties sorting these matter. Maybe that's one of the reason why Japan is so clean because the people is so responsible. Malaysians tend to be ignorant and some people can be so irresponsible and nasty leaving somebody else to clean their mess.

Anyways, I was doing my task when all of a sudden my ring slipped from my cold finger and dropped inside a huge garbage bag. I panicked for a moment and started my task going through the nasty leftovers and garbage. I transferred the garbage to a new bag and looked for the ring carefully to no avail. I checked the pile twice but still could not locate the ring. I started becoming anxious and embarrassed to be left in this situation.

During my third search, Emilda came along and helped me to go through the nasty pile. I was relieved a little to have a companion. But after the third search, my ring was still missing. Deep inside I became irritated with all the happenings but jokingly mentioned to Emilda that I felt like Smeagol losing its ring. The one ring to rule them all. Well, my ring doesn't rule them all, just a single person that I am married to (I hope Satya doesn't read this phrase).

And finally, when more people came over to us out of curiosity to check what we were doing with the trash, I found it, my ring..hidden in a box amongst the pile.

Out of happiness and without realizing, I raised my ring and said I found it..and murmuring my precious.
It is my precious after all...
   

If Only I Could See You Smile

During my last visit to the gynecologist, the doctor gave us devastating news that our baby was not moving and the heart was no longer beating. I lost my baby, was induced and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl on December 19, 2012.

I am not ready to share the story yet, but I would like to dedicate this song to her for now.

*Into the West*
Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say 'we have come now to the end'
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west

My baby buchi chello kuddi amma chello, it kills me to learn that I would never see you again. If only I could see you, smell you, hold you close to my heart while seeing you smiling happily to me...