Just Another Day

Well, it is my birthday again.
I seemed to have been updating my blog relentlessly every year on this day.
A lot has happened since my last blog. I had completed my graduate studies and obtained a master degree in biotechnology last September. Currently, I am enrolled to a doctorate program. My reason to take the research path seriously is to contribute to the society to help eradicate organ transplantation altogether. I have been doing research on stem cells, tissue engineering and regenerative medicine. The little works I do, may in any ways help scientists elucidate ways for the possibilities of autologous treatments. It may seem ambitious, but my sickness, sufferings and transplantation have changed my life's trajectory. A brave donor's sacrifice saved my life and here I am living a normal life again. It is only wise to return the kindness by helping other patients; thus conducting research on tissue engineering sounded appropriate. I have started my doctorate course with so much enthusiast and I hope that it continues and I can get viable results for possible publications.

As contented I am with my current life's path, I often feel some emptiness in life and that feeling has amplified specifically today. As I recalled the happenings in my life, I remembered my last birthday. I was on cloud nine, grinning continuously because of my pregnancy. It seemed like a dream now and for some reasons this year's birthday just felt like another day. I would have been so much happier if only I have my baby girl in my arms now.

Well, here's hoping for a better year ahead.

Samwise Gamgee's Trip

My bucket list comprises of a few things. Seeing a whale in the wild has been one of it. We realized last year that, it is possible to see whales in Okinawa, Japan. However, whale watching was only possible around February to March as that’s when the whales migrate to warmer waters to give birth to its calf. Having learned this, we planned our trip as we may not get such opportunity again. We flew to Okinawa on March 15, 2013 and stayed at separate dorms. We did this to get new experience and also to save money. The dorm was really comfortable and we only went there to sleep.

The next morning, we headed to the port first thing in the morning and boarded a boat. After some time, the boat halted at some place and that’s when we saw it. An adult humpback whale and its calf! It was so huge. The curious mammal swam towards the boat a few times flapping its tail. We were fortunate enough and snapped as much pictures as we could. I remember calling Satya’s name a few times out of astonishment. Towards the end, the boat was swaying so much I ended up having killer headaches. Luckily, by then we were already heading back to shore. Later that night, we walked along the city, grabbed our dinner and headed back to the dorm to sleep.

Okinawa is totally different from the places that I have stayed in Japan. It has only one railway system and Naha city tends to be polluted from the vast amount of automobiles.

The next morning, we took a bus and traveled for almost one hour and half to Manza beach. It was one of the most beautiful beaches that I have seen, with white sand and crystal clear water. The water was a little cold for me but yet we dunked ourselves in the water. I saw sea cucumbers and sea urchin for the first time. Satya told me to look at the sea cucumber a little closer but I was too terrified to even swim near it. It was serene and we were tranquilized by just looking at this beautiful beach.

We couldn’t get enough of the beach, so we headed back to the beach again the next day. We took the bus as early as 5.30 am. This time we went to Cape Maeda. This was an interesting trip because we checked out of our rooms and we traveled while carrying our backpacks. It was a little difficult for me as our bags were heavy but we were in such an adventurous mode we preceded anyway. To get to the cape, we were required to hike through a 2.6 km trail. Hiking through the trail brought back my childhood memories and I toughened up and followed Satya along without a single complaint. Interestingly, it started to rain and became heavier as we moved on. We managed to find two broken umbrellas along our ways which protected us from the downpour. I smiled as I walked with a broken umbrella, heavy bag and damp clothes. For some unknown reasons, I enjoyed our little adventure being away from the hustle and bustle of our hectic life. However, we couldn’t get a clear view of the corals and the beach because of the rain. But yet, we enjoyed our little walk.

We then took our bus and headed straight to the airport. We reached Osaka at 10.40 pm and the last train to our place was at 10.48 pm. We ran as fast as we could once we disembarked the plane and managed to get the train tickets at 10.46 pm. However, as we rushed to the platform, we missed the train. The next available train to home is only next day. So we took several trains to get near home as much as possible and finally we reached a place at 12.15 am, 11km away from home. We opted to walk as we were still excited about our hike that morning. We had covered one third of our route when we realized that we were both too tired to continue. Besides, the heavy backpack was killing our back. We managed to find a taxi and reached home.

We went back to our respective work, when I jokingly mentioned to Satya that I was Samwise Gamgee throughout the whole trip whom was an obedient traveler, carrying the heavy load accompanying a noble friend. I felt so much better once I thought about our trip to Cape Maeda as a walk to Mordor. I have never been so enlightened and will definitely treasure our special adventure forever.

My Short Adventures

Travelling is often restricted when one is sick or disabled. On the contrary for me, I traveled the most when I was on dialysis. Probably because sickness at a very early age changed the way I think and see life. I went to Perlis, Langkawi, Thailand, Cameron Highlands, Cherating and Kerala when I was on dialysis. I just thought about this a few days back. I was very highly spirited then, that I took risks travelling to those places especially overseas.

I required dialysis 3 times a week. Thus, travelling is often limited and short. I remember going to India with Satya just for the weekend. We traveled to Trivandrum, Kerala and surprisingly it was a delightful experience for us. We had fun travelling in the auto. It was so convenient that we went to many places in Trivandrum by just taking the auto. The best part was the food. I’m glad that I am lucky enough to relish the best biryani in my life at Kerala.

The travels were not all pleasant. I remember being sick at many occasions. For instance, having killer headaches at Perlis, throwing up in Kerala and extremely thirsty at Cherating (the beach was so beautiful, I couldn't resist to swim all evening). I had to manage my days with limited fluid and restricted food. This was because dialysis patients follow a very strict diet regime and over consumption of fluid or food can make them sick or they may need dialysis earlier than their scheduled sessions. But still, my travels were well managed and I reached home safely right on time for my scheduled dialysis.

Being optimistic is one of my positive traits. I am glad that I traveled to those places despite my sickness. I posted this to remind myself of the things that I have done with limited capabilities. I hope such reminders will help me face challenges of life more courageously as I move forward.

My Girl

I have depicted all my experiences and joys of pregnancy on a private folder in my computer. However, I would like to jot down a few lines about my girl in this post.

After a home pregnancy test on September 19 2012, we first realized that I was pregnant. We were overjoyed, astonished and cried happy tears. This is what I have been wanting. To look after, protect a precious life clinging needily for my affections. I am a mother! (tears)

We then consulted an obstetrician whom confirmed the pregnancy. I was under the care of two doctors. One is the obstetrician and the other is my nephrologist to monitor my kidney functions. We learned that, as long as the creatinine and my body weight is controlled, the pregnancy wouldn't be a problem. Surprisingly my creatinine level became normal and we understood that during pregnancy, kidneys will be triggered to work more efficiently to support baby’s growth. Pregnancy changed me. I immediately became super health conscious. I stopped drinking coffee immediately and have not been drinking ever since. We followed a very strict and healthy diet regime wanting the best for the baby. In the meantime, I was also troubled thinking that I am a transplant patient and how it would affect my baby. My first guilt is to eat the immunosuppressant drugs while being pregnant. The doctors monitored my dose and after personal research, I realized that my dosage is very low and may not affect the pregnancy. Still I feel troubled to be exposing my baby to this. Secondly, I was afraid that I may not live long to see my child reach adulthood due to my sickness. Anyways, I was happy and cherished each day of my pregnancy by eating the best food and living healthily and happily.

I had an abdomen ultrasound on October 19, 2012 and that’s when I saw my baby for the first time. I was 9 weeks then. When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I had a scan again to test the nuchal translucency of the baby. It was one of the most memorable moments in my life. My eyes teared up when I saw my baby moved. She looked beautiful, with a cute head, hands and tiny legs. She was very active indeed, bouncing and moving. I wanted to kiss those tiny hands and hold her close to soothe her down.  The ultrasound lasted for almost 30 minutes but my worries vanished when the doctor told me that everything looked normal.

As of November 19, 2012, I just had normal urine test. I had no morning sickness and lead a normal and healthy life. I was waiting eagerly for my next ultrasound to see my baby again. Satya bought me lots of pregnancy books and we both kept ourselves busy reading and gaining as much as beneficial knowledge to help us go through a safe pregnancy and to raise the healthiest baby.

The day for my next ultrasound came. I waited eagerly for my name to be called and when they performed the ultrasound, I realized that my baby wasn't as active as she was during my last ultrasound. The technician called the doctor immediately and I realized that something amiss and tried not to panic. The doctor performed the ultrasound and told me that my baby’s heart wasn't beating. I was dumbstruck. I realized something amiss but not this. How could it be? I just heard her heartbeat 2 weeks back. What could I have done to cause this? What went wrong? I couldn't say anything and just continued to cry.

On December 19, 2012, I was induced for childbirth. I was given medicine every 3 hours starting from 7 am. The pain started mildly and became unbearable by evening. I opted for normal delivery without anesthetic (epidural). The doctor advised that I could be given only 5 medicines per day and if there wasn't contraction, they will continue inducing the next day. By evening, I had a very high fever and the doctors feared that I had an infection. Fearing that my kidney could be infected, I was given three types of antibiotics. Apart from that, my veins at my thigh were pricked 4 times to draw blood to check for infections. It was a very sad and painful experience. My contractions became stronger and by 7 pm I felt movement and told my very kind midwife. The movement became obvious and upon inspection, they told me that my baby was about to be delivered. She was still in her sac and the amniotic fluid was darkish. My baby was then delivered. They showed me my daughter, a tiny, cute girl. She looked like me and she has Satya’s abdomen. I love her so much, it’s unbearable.

Before the pregnancy, we were super happy, enjoying and accepting life for whatever we have. My girl changed everything. I may move on, but deep inside I stay wounded. I feel as if I have lost a big part of me. My girl can never be replaced. Sometimes, when I think of her, I feel so empty and worthless. I can never stop crying thinking of my dear cutie little girl.

My precious girl, my sweet, sweet little angel…

Amma loves you so much da…

That Which Does Not Kill Us, Makes Us Stronger

I have no special purpose for this post. My best friend’s mother passed away last year and today my friend sent me a message expressing her feelings towards the loss. She wanted to share her feelings since I lost my baby girl too.

Whilst communicating with her I realized many things. To suffer and to be in pain is like a norm for me now. I may be exaggerating comparing to the many sufferings around the world that went unnoticed. I am considered the lucky few. I am lucky enough to get a kidney transplanted. I have been supported tremendously by family and selected friends. My wonderful Satya who proceeded to marry me and still clinging strongly to our marriage after all the mishaps we went through. Sometimes the both of us just become numb of all the happenings. Most of the time we couldn't find reasons for certain happenings leaving us clueless and frustrated (i.e we still don’t know why my kidneys failed in 2007).

The kindness of people around me melts my heart at times. Well, I am doomed to be sick. As bitter as it is, I am who I am now and I have accepted this and moved on. But seeing the wonderful people wanting so much for me to be alive inspire me to keep breathing. I am not saying that I am suicidal. I never am. I have always been optimistic and strived on no matter what happens. But I cannot deny that the major part of me to be optimistic is for the love of the loved ones (My donor, family especially my mom, Satya and some friends). I am cheerful amidst them and always do my best to be strong in front of them.

As for my mom, she never had a smooth life. She lost her mom when she was 6 years old and since then fighting over her life’s turmoil. Now that she had brought up her kids, she should relax and enjoy the rest of her life but since I got sick, I doubt if she’s ever relaxed. She was there looking after me during my dialysis, my transplantation and bunch of uneasiness I was exposed to. I finally thought that my pregnancy cheered her up, but even that didn't last long. I haven’t shared the story of my lost, but it was devastating and I suffered tremendously. Yet, what kept me moving? It’s the love of the loved ones, amma, donor and Satya. These people have been fighting with me, coping with me and loving me to great extent. Therefore, the greatest gift I can give them is to stay alive and living the life as happily as possible.

My Precious

This is the day that I almost lost my ring, my wedding ring.
My day was going as usual, meaning I was in the lab doing my work when I realized that it's my duty to sort the garbage this week. I admit it's not a pleasant task, but in Japan, the students sort garbage by themselves unlike in Malaysia where we have special parties sorting these matter. Maybe that's one of the reason why Japan is so clean because the people is so responsible. Malaysians tend to be ignorant and some people can be so irresponsible and nasty leaving somebody else to clean their mess.

Anyways, I was doing my task when all of a sudden my ring slipped from my cold finger and dropped inside a huge garbage bag. I panicked for a moment and started my task going through the nasty leftovers and garbage. I transferred the garbage to a new bag and looked for the ring carefully to no avail. I checked the pile twice but still could not locate the ring. I started becoming anxious and embarrassed to be left in this situation.

During my third search, Emilda came along and helped me to go through the nasty pile. I was relieved a little to have a companion. But after the third search, my ring was still missing. Deep inside I became irritated with all the happenings but jokingly mentioned to Emilda that I felt like Smeagol losing its ring. The one ring to rule them all. Well, my ring doesn't rule them all, just a single person that I am married to (I hope Satya doesn't read this phrase).

And finally, when more people came over to us out of curiosity to check what we were doing with the trash, I found it, my ring..hidden in a box amongst the pile.

Out of happiness and without realizing, I raised my ring and said I found it..and murmuring my precious.
It is my precious after all...
   

If Only I Could See You Smile

During my last visit to the gynecologist, the doctor gave us devastating news that our baby was not moving and the heart was no longer beating. I lost my baby, was induced and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl on December 19, 2012.

I am not ready to share the story yet, but I would like to dedicate this song to her for now.

*Into the West*
Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say 'we have come now to the end'
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west

My baby buchi chello kuddi amma chello, it kills me to learn that I would never see you again. If only I could see you, smell you, hold you close to my heart while seeing you smiling happily to me...