After a home pregnancy test on September 19 2012, we first
realized that I was pregnant. We were overjoyed, astonished and cried happy
tears. This is what I have been wanting. To look after, protect a precious life
clinging needily for my affections. I am a mother! (tears)
We then consulted an obstetrician whom confirmed the
pregnancy. I was under the care of two doctors. One is the obstetrician and the
other is my nephrologist to monitor my kidney functions. We learned that, as
long as the creatinine and my body weight is controlled, the pregnancy wouldn't be a problem. Surprisingly my creatinine level became normal and we understood
that during pregnancy, kidneys will be triggered to work more efficiently to
support baby’s growth. Pregnancy changed me. I immediately became super health conscious.
I stopped drinking coffee immediately and have not been drinking ever since. We
followed a very strict and healthy diet regime wanting the best for the baby.
In the meantime, I was also troubled thinking that I am a transplant patient
and how it would affect my baby. My first guilt is to eat the immunosuppressant
drugs while being pregnant. The doctors monitored my dose and after personal
research, I realized that my dosage is very low and may not affect the
pregnancy. Still I feel troubled to be exposing my baby to this. Secondly, I
was afraid that I may not live long to see my child reach adulthood due to my
sickness. Anyways, I was happy and cherished each day of my pregnancy by eating
the best food and living healthily and happily.
I had an abdomen ultrasound on October 19, 2012 and that’s
when I saw my baby for the first time. I was 9 weeks then. When I was 12 weeks
pregnant, I had a scan again to test the nuchal translucency of the baby. It
was one of the most memorable moments in my life. My eyes teared up when I saw
my baby moved. She looked beautiful, with a cute head, hands and tiny legs. She
was very active indeed, bouncing and moving. I wanted to kiss those tiny hands
and hold her close to soothe her down. The ultrasound lasted for almost 30 minutes
but my worries vanished when the doctor told me that everything looked normal.
As of November 19, 2012, I just had normal urine test. I had
no morning sickness and lead a normal and healthy life. I was waiting eagerly
for my next ultrasound to see my baby again. Satya bought me lots of pregnancy
books and we both kept ourselves busy reading and gaining as much as beneficial
knowledge to help us go through a safe pregnancy and to raise the healthiest
baby.
The day for my next ultrasound came. I waited eagerly for my name to be called and when they performed the ultrasound, I realized that my baby wasn't as active as she was during my last ultrasound. The technician called
the doctor immediately and I realized that something amiss and tried not to
panic. The doctor performed the ultrasound and told me that my baby’s heart wasn't beating. I was dumbstruck. I realized something amiss but not this. How
could it be? I just heard her heartbeat 2 weeks back. What could I have done to
cause this? What went wrong? I couldn't say anything and just continued to cry.
On December 19, 2012, I was induced for childbirth. I was given medicine every 3
hours starting from 7 am. The pain started mildly and became unbearable by evening.
I opted for normal delivery without anesthetic (epidural). The doctor advised
that I could be given only 5 medicines per day and if there wasn't contraction,
they will continue inducing the next day. By evening, I had a very high fever
and the doctors feared that I had an infection. Fearing that my kidney could be
infected, I was given three types of antibiotics. Apart from that, my veins at
my thigh were pricked 4 times to draw blood to check for infections. It was a very
sad and painful experience. My contractions became stronger and by 7 pm I felt
movement and told my very kind midwife. The movement became obvious and upon
inspection, they told me that my baby was about to be delivered. She was still
in her sac and the amniotic fluid was darkish. My baby was then delivered. They
showed me my daughter, a tiny, cute girl. She looked like me and she has Satya’s
abdomen. I love her so much, it’s unbearable.
Before the pregnancy, we were super happy, enjoying and accepting
life for whatever we have. My girl changed everything. I may move on, but deep
inside I stay wounded. I feel as if I have lost a big part of me. My girl can
never be replaced. Sometimes, when I think of her, I feel so empty and
worthless. I can never stop crying thinking of my dear cutie little girl.
My precious girl, my sweet, sweet little angel…
Amma loves you so much da…
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