The Birth Story

On May 11 2015, a balloon was inserted as a preparation for artificial cervix dilation. In the afternoon of May 12 2015, I was 5 cm dilated but it stopped after that. I was in labour pain for quite some time and since I was 5 cm dilated, they proceeded to artificially break the water to induce labour and contractions. However I did not dilate further until nighttime. Even though cervix was dilated at 10cm at night, baby was not stationed at the pelvic to commence pushing and delivery. They started inducing at 6am on May 12, 2015. I was in terrible pain for almost 18 hours and all the doctors did was to give me encouragement and requested me to fight tenaciously so that we can have a normal delivery. 
The doctors fought so hard to avoid cesarean section as I was a kidney transplant patient and appendicitis operations. To avoid infections and blood loss which may affect the transplanted kidney, doctors avoided cesarean at all cost. However, the baby was yet properly stationed and in fact a doctor come and tried to position his head into the pelvic manually (the pain was so intense). They also asked me to push and I did with all might, but The head did not move much. We were also afraid of my baby being in stress as he was low in Oxygen twice during these period. At 4am on May 13 2015, after a long battle, the doctors finally decided on cesarean section and brought me to the operation theater. I had a vertical incision (due to transplant wound and appendicitis operation) and at 4.59am, my baby was delivered. I was on local anesthesia and my body was numb after a spine injection, but I was aware of all the happenings. The doctors explained that the operation was successful and I did not lose much blood. I heard my baby cry and they brought him to me. There he was, my gunden being held by a nurse. I called him baby and gave him a kiss. It was quite emotional as I could not hold him and I had to undergo operation despite all my strenuous labour pain, trouble and effort to avoid it. Anyways, I was glad that my baby is safely delivered without further stress. They completed the suture and I was brought back to the ward greeted by my mom and Satya. They wanted to show me the baby’s picture (baby was showed to them after my operation), but I told them that I was the first one to see and kiss him :)

He was brought to me in the ward and I had a chance to cuddle, hold and kiss him. He was born on May 13, 2015 (39weeks and 5 days) at 4.59am and weighed 3666g. I stayed in the hospital for 10 days, in which I took care of my baby and fed him. I was allowed (due to immunosuppressant of transplantation) to breastfeed for the first 3 months which I did happily and successfully. He is 7 months old now. I have been looking after him solely for the past 7 months (our applications to send him to daycare was not successful). I was working half time (thanks to my very understanding PI) juggling between caring for him, cooking, doing experiments and handling chores. I never regret anything and I’m really glad that I managed to do what I could do for him. I love him and he loves me too. After all these time, we are finally bringing him back to meet family and friends. Hope it will be a happy and successful trip and my gunden will have the greatest time ever!

Remembering my girls

As happy as I am now, there is not a day goes by that I don't think of my girls...

Gone too soon - Daughtry

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon.

Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, or sing like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.

Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon.

Not a day goes by,
I'm always asking why.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon,
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

Joyous December

It is December already and coming 13th, my booboo will be 7 months old! My little blob can sit, roll and clap! He loves to bite and kiss me every now and then. It is very special because he only bites and kisses me :)
We will be flying back to Malaysia on the 20th this month to celebrate blob with family and friends. This will be my first Christmas with him, his first trip to Malaysia and I am returning after missing three Christmases. So family is looking forward to meeting us. As excited as we are, Satya and I still dread about the traveling hours and how gunden is going to respond to all the changes. Everything will be new to him and he will be meeting so many people. Really looking forward and hope that everything will be great.
I cannot believe how much this little guy changed me. I'm surprised that I can love this being this much and everything I do for him surprises me at times. Hoping for a good health so that I can spend many years with my kutty paiya. I'm willing to do anything for him and will do my best to protect and keep him safe. Well as Kristen Proby quoted, "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows the sound of my heart from the inside"

Snippets of Joy

Here are the few little things that I adore about my little blob (I call him blob as I perceive him as a blob (not scientifically correct) learning and grasping everything from within (cell programming) and his surrounding to becoming a complete human being with sound mind and the ability to think, function, survive and sustain.

I love it when:
He smiles the moment he wakes up,
He blabbers so charmingly every morning,
He brighten up and smiles so adoringly when he sees me,
He cries when I leave the room,
He grasps my face, hair, finger and try to bite it,
He only cries when he is hungry and extremely sleepy,
He grasp my finger so tightly when I feed him,
He moves uncomfortably and wanted to be held closer,
He sleeps soundly when he's aware that I am right next to him,
He only lay his head comfortably unto my shoulders,
He laughs when he sees me dancing,
He laughs loudly when I cuddle him,
He cries for amma when no one else can put him to sleep,
He mimics me,
He gets excited to see the people that adores him,
He responds to me when I speak to him,
He hums whenever he is trying to sleeping imitating my lullabies for him :)

My baby paiya, amma loves you too much da. Thanks for being an adorable son and thank you for trusting, adoring and loving me so much!

36th Special Birthday

Well, it's that time of the year again. Yes, it's my birthday; and as always I'm updating my blog. Just as I wished for the last birthday, I have a child whom I adore so much safely cuddled in my arms. He loves me so much too. Since this is the topic of birthday, I feel obliged to share that my son and I are both born on the year of the goat (Chinese). It's not significant, but it's cute to have such commonness. He will be 5 months old tomorrow and I have been his almost sole care provider all these time. Here's to many more birthdays with my adorable gundu paiya! Cheers!

May 13, 2015

May 13 2015 marks as one of the most special days of my life. That is when my precious baby boy was born. Yes, my baby boy is here after an arduous 18 hours labor! He was born at 4.59 am and weighed 3.666 kg. I could not believe that I am a mother at last. I have been caring for him for the past 3 months now. Everything about him is just so adorable and I could not ask for more. Details of labor and stories towards the end of my pregnancy shall be updated in my next post. As of now, I have a son to tend to :)

The heir, the spare and the who cares

Satya and I had been planning to go skiing and play with thick snow for quite some time and we took the opportunity during the New Year break to play with snow. After some discussions and considering the risks to our pregnancy, we decided to go to Biwako Valley, situated two hours away from home (via train). My last experience with thick snow and skiing was in Tsuruoka, Japan in 2008, when I visited Satya while he was studying in Japan whereas I was working in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

We arrived at the valley and was overwhelmed by the breathtaking view. I grew enthusiastic to see the snow-capped mountain and approached the ski resort as soon as I can to step on those powdery snow. We even entertained ourselves by bragging how proud our kid would be to see his/her parents so deterministic during their younger years.

Once we arrived at the resort, we learned that to play with snow, we have to take a huge cable car about 1000 meters up to the mountain. Since we arrived at about 4 pm and the resort closes at 5.30 pm, we agreed to go up the mountain, view and play with the snow for 15 minutes and get back down, not wanting to risk our pregnancy. Once we got on top, we couldn't contain ourselves with happiness as it was really beautiful and we were too excited to play with the snow. I made a snow angel for our baby and requested Satya to record the event as remembrance. I was exactly 5 months pregnant and my bulging tummy was visible in the video :) 

The weather grew colder and it became very windy, so we decided to head back. But the queue to get on the cable car was too long and it took us almost one hour to get on one. While waiting, we grew anxious and regretted every moment for taking the risk to get to that place while pregnant. Our initial plan was to stay for only 15 minutes but we didn't expect the waiting time for the cable car would prolong our stay. Finally, we got back home safely, ate a nutritious meal and had warm shower. I got into my cozy bed still anxious, hoping for my baby to move and kick for assurance. It was a sleepless night until at about 3.30 am, when I felt our baby kicked.

Feeling our baby move and kick is one of the most beautiful moment ever. At the very beginning, I would ask Satya to place his hand on my tummy and to experience my joy of feeling the baby move. But as the pregnancy progresses, we were able to see my abdomen bulging sharply whenever the baby kicks strongly. We started speaking and singing our silly songs to our baby, hoping he/she will respond by moving. I usually come up with some funny remarks about the baby's movements to acknowledge Satya about it. For instance, once I felt the kicks as if water were boiling inside my tummy, except it was the coolest and sweetest 'boiling effect' ever. Sometimes, I wonder how the baby moved to have caused the 'boiling effect'. Does it move its two legs, knees, hands and elbows and the same time?

Recently, we found a posting from Reddit depicting how some parents perceives their first born as the heir, the second child as the spare and the third one as redundant and as ‘who cares’. I have lost two girls (the so called heir and spare - which is so untrue as I love them both more than anything and would do anything to see them alive and happy in my arms); and our third baby from this pregnancy will be the most cared. For us, pregnancy is like a miracle and seeing a baby is like seeing a unicorn walking on earth. Here's hoping that our special little unicorn will prance healthily in due course escorted happily by two hopeful parents.

  

The anomaly scan

At last, the long awaited scan. I was breathing so fast and in a panicky mode when I entered the hospital for the scheduled scan. I was approaching my 19^th week of pregnancy when this happened. I was initially asked to enter the Doppler room, where a midwife attended to me, asked me to lie down on a reclining sofa and started to search for the baby’s heartbeat using the Doppler scan. As the midwife, searched for the heartbeat, my heart skipped a bit when she took a long time to find the heartbeat. For a split second I thought it happened again (as I lost my two girls around this time of pregnancy). But after a few minutes, she managed to find it and it was so beautiful to hear my baby’s strong heartbeats. She then asked me some formal questions on how I am doing and I explained that I felt the baby’s ‘soft kicks’ occasionally, to which she got excited. Yup, I have been feeling some flutters for the very first time since the 16^th week of pregnancy. But it wasn't regular and I get panicky if the quickening wasn't regular. The midwife explained that baby’s kicks get regular and stronger as the pregnancy progresses. 

I was then asked to enter the ultrasound room to have my anomaly scan. The technician started the scan and she conducted it quite fast. We saw our cute little baby move and its growth seemed satisfactory. To which we felt relieved that we have been doing an OK job. We tried to peek at the essentials to find its gender but failed as the technician moved the scan probe quite fast, deliberately not wanting us to find out. Our obstetrician later revealed to us that revealing the baby’s gender before the 22^nd week is illegal in Japan. At a point, it was amusing to see our baby opening its cute little mouth and swallowing the amniotic fluid. Satya laughed looking at it and it chuckled me to see him so happy. It was indeed a very happy day for the two of us. But that doesn't stop us from continuing worrying about the well being of our baby. As the day goes by, we feel so connected with our kuddi baby hoping that everything will go well. 

Studies revealed that cells from both mother and baby can cross the placenta during pregnancy. Therefore, there are high probabilities for my body to pass my two babies’ cells to their third sibling, giving me little assurance that at least their cells can linger and live up in their sibling. Here’s hoping for the well being of our precious kuddi…