35th Year

It's my birthday and I'm updating my blog on this day habitually. My 35th birthday started by the usual wishing from Satya and family, especially my very beloved sister, Diana. Since my birthday fell on a Sunday, we spent it leisurely by having lunch at one of our favourite restaurants, a little shopping and lots of walking. This birthday is a little exciting as I am pregnant again. Here's hoping for an even better birthday next year with a very healthy baby, cuddled safely in my arms :)

Self Shot

I was asked to visit the Suita Municipal Hospital and get myself admitted; to learn how to inject heparin myself. The reason I was sent to another hospital and not my usual hospital is due to the unavailability of rooms at Osaka university hospital. Why was it important for me to learn to administer heparin shot myself? Well, the reason is that I am pregnant! Yes, my third pregnancy for third consecutive years. As happy as I am to be impregnated, a major part of me still cringe in fear if history will repeat itself. The only difference this time is, I have been taking low dose aspirin and yesterday I started my heparin as anticoagulant treatment (since I was diagnosed with blood clotting disorder recently). They started the heparin once the fetal heartbeat is visible in the ultrasound scan. Initially, the nurse showed me how it is done and gave me the hot. Heparin shots were given subcutaneously and I was asked to inject it in my upper thigh. They asked me to avoid the abdomen area where the baby is. I thought I would freak out to inject the syringe to myself, but somehow I did it like a pro. But, the injection area gets bruised the next day. I am still searching on the internet on how to administer heparin like a pro with minimal bruises and side effects. I guess with practice, I should be fine. I spent lots of time yesterday re-reading about the possible side effects of the drugs I am taking to my baby. I get really discouraged by this, but my self-research for the past three years and the information from doctors kind of consoled me that my dosage is quite low and most probably would not harm the baby. Still the guilt haunts me and all I want is the best for the baby and hoping so much that I would pass the fifth month of my pregnancy without any complications and have a safe and healthy full term pregnancy. Self shots of heparin and bruises and discouraging words from skeptical people would not dampen my spirit to wanting my baby healthily and safely.  

The X Factor

My recurrent miscarriages have anguished us as well as my nephrologist and obstetrician. In fact, they were the ones that insisted us to get pregnant based on my medical records. However when I miscarried twice during the second trimester of my pregnancies, they became extra concerned. One of the reasons of recurrent miscarriages at the second trimester is due to antiphospholipid syndrome. It is an autoimmune disorder of antiphospholipid antibodies which causes blood hypercoagulability. Majority of population with this disorder have higher tendency to develop deep vein thrombosis and stroke.

Pregnant women affected by this syndrome may miscarry before 20 week of gestation. Pregnancy increases the risk of thrombosis, which has likely evolved to protect women against bleeding challenges related with miscarriage and childbirth. Therefore, pregnant women with antiphospholipid syndrome have higher chances to develop blood clots or microthrombi which may disrupt oxygen and nutrients flow from mother to child during gestation, causing growth retardation or even fetal demise. Since I miscarried at 18 week of gestation for my first pregnancy, the doctors and researchers at Osaka University Hospital ran some tests to detect if I have antiphospholipid antibodies disorder. However the usual tests of Protein S and Protein C deficiency and SLE returned negative and it indicated that I may not have antiphospholipid syndrome. However after the second miscarriage again at the 18 week of gestation, they repeated a detailed test for antiphospholipid syndrome. This time they included a coagulation Factor XII also known as Hagemen factor. Again the test result returned negative for SLE and Protein S and C deficiency. However the level of Factor XII in my blood was very low. Factor XII deficiency is a very rare disorder. Research studies by Ogasawara et.al (2001) revealed that Factor XII deficiency is a predictor of recurrent miscarriages and treatment with low-dose aspirin is effective for treatment of recurrent miscarriages. Since anticoagulation treatments such as aspirin and heparin are believed to improve the outcome of pregnancy, the obstetricians at Osaka University Hospital are encouraging me to conceive again and to pursue these treatment as a prospect to have a successful pregnancy. As happy I am to have a diagnosis for the reasons of my unfortunate miscarriages, a major part of me still wonder if only I was tested earlier for these rare condition and maybe, just maybe with the correct treatment, I may have my babies in my arms now.

Dreadlocks Mysteries

Having attended the QBiC 2014 retreat, I got to meet a number of international students from various universities. One of them was a jovial American from the University of Minnesota. She caught my attention because of her dreadlocks. I was so intrigued of her hairstyle that once we got to knew each other better, I asked her about her hairstyle. It was quite surprising when she revealed that she didn't have it made in the salon but it occurred naturally over time. She had afro-textured hair with tiny spring-like shape; that when left unbrushed and uncut for a long period of time, formed locks of bigger curls and finally becomes the dread locks. It was just like the DNA supercoil. I imagined the strands of her hair as DNA strands that coiled in the process called chromatin condensation during cell-cycle. It's funny that how oblivious one can be. We are often exposed to situations and new things that we tend to ignore in our daily lives. But, once we show interest and start asking questions, we were often surprised by the answers that we got out of it. Here's hoping to have a curious mind, thirsty for information and to hoping to obtain answers and vast knowledge on the little mysteries of life.

Wakayama Wonders

As I mentioned previously, I am currently enrolled in a doctorate program after obtaining a master's degree in biotechnology. I belong to a laboratory in QBiC, RIKEN; a prestigious research institute in Japan. This means that I'm exposed to advanced researches and get to work with remarkable scientists. QBiC holds a retreat program every year, where all the researchers join and discuss about their work. Since, this is my first year in RIKEN, I got the opportunity to join as well. The participants are required to prepare a poster which explains their research work briefly. I spent all weekend preparing mine. The retreat was held in Wakayama this year,about three hours away from Osaka (by bus). I felt that the hotel where the retreat was held, Kishu Minabe Royal Hotel was in the middle of nowhere; we passed through orange and peach orchards to get there.

During the retreat, we sat and listened to researchers present their work all day. At night, they served buffet-styled dinner in the room where all the posters were hanged. So, participants can both enjoy dinner and visit the posters of their interest and ask questions. So, the only time for us to get out is at night after dinner. We decided to explore the place after all the presentation sessions ended and since the hotel is next to a beach, we went there hoping to spot turtle hatchlings (we were told that it was the highlight there). It was pitch dark and we had to walk quite far to get to the beach. The only light source was from our handphones. We reached the place and took precautions by walking carefully in the dark beach hoping not to step on any hatchlings. But of course, not a single hantchling was found. But we saw something glowed as the waves hit the sand. I suppose they were some bioluminescent plankton. Luckily, it was dark enough for us to observe this. It was quite spectacular and we just enjoyed the moment looking at it. Since, it was dark and the sky was clear, I gazed at the stars and to my utter bewilderment, I saw it: the milky way! I couldn't believe my eyes. Well, I always wanted to gaze at milky way but I never knew that I could do it here, this soon (One dream ticked off my bucket list). I imagined myself standing at the edge of the tiny earth in comparative to the huge universe upon me. To be honest, I only wanted to look at it after watching the television series, Wonders of the Solar System by Prof. Brian Cox; the series that changed my life and my views. I became more open minded and started to have a better understanding and perception of how the world really is after watching the series.

Whenever I visit beaches, I always imagine myself standing at the boundary of land and stepping on the sea/ocean that I was facing. I haven't got the opportunity to cross the Pacific Ocean (one of my dreams), but at Wakayama, I'd like to believe that I have dipped my feet in the Pacific Ocean. It was really exciting to be away from the daily hectic and mundane life. I was able to see some bugs and even fireflies which I last saw ages ago! Overall, it was a pleasant and surprisingly enjoyable trip.

Only Time

Listening to a soulful song which has always been one of my favourites.
Well, time heals all; time decides all...

Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows, as your heart chose, only time
Who can say why your heart sighs, as your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries, when your love lies, only time
Who can say when the roads meet, that love might be in your heart,
And who can say when the day sleeps, If the night keeps all your heart, night keeps all your heart
And who can say if your love grows, as your heart chose, only time
Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time
Who knows, only time

The Bone Collector

Well, what could I say...
On my previous blog, I was sulking about my abruptly ended pregnancy and how I missed my baby girl so much. But to my utter bewilderment, I got pregnant again in November 2013! Satya and I could not be happier. We were very careful; ate the most healthy food, were less stressed at work and kept up to date on our progress. We also went for check ups whenever we have doubt and just to check if our baby is growing well. Of course, the mishap of my previous pregnancy kept haunting me but the doctors reassured me that things were looking promising especially when I passed the first trimester without any complications.

Disparate to my first pregnancy, I was putting a stable healthy weight and we were happy with the baby's growth. However, as I approach the 18th week of my pregnancy, I was feeling insecure as I have yet to feel my baby move. Therefore, on February 22, 2014 (Saturday), Satya and I headed to Osaka University and requested that the baby is checked. I was so relieved to hear the strong heartbeat of my baby. The doctor assured me that the baby is growing very well. The ultrasound scan showed that my baby had grown really well. It was one of the happiest moment ever.

We were scheduled for an anomaly scan at 18 weeks pregnancy on February 28, 2014 and headed to the hospital hoping to find the sex of our baby. I was first scheduled for a Doppler ultrasound to check the heartbeat of the baby. But to my horror, the midwife could not find/hear the heartbeat after several tries. I grew anxious and imagined the worse. My baby was fine just a few days back. We were then scheduled for an abdomen ultrasound to check the condition of the baby. Satya was there when we entered the room and when the technician started scanning, we knew that something had gone amiss. My baby was lying still and there were no heartbeat...

So, it happened again. I have lost my baby, again at 18 weeks pregnancy. I could not say much or even believed it. I was admitted in the hospital that Sunday ( March 2, 2014) to be induced for delivery. We could never believe that we would go through this agonizing procedure again. I was induced for delivery on March 3, 2014. I was given oxytocin every three hours to induce delivery. Initially, I had pain but it subsided after I was given the third dose and there were no pain even for the subsequent fourth and fifth dose. I was sent back to my ward as only five dose of oxytocin were given for a day. We went back to the ward feeling utterly disappointed and extremely sad. I was confused, sad and in disbelievement as I could not digest of what and why all these were happening. Why did I lose my baby again? Was it something that I could have done? Was I unfit for pregnancy? Did I purposely lose my babies? Why can't I have a healthy full term baby? Was it a mistake to have tried again? But the doctors assured us that I am fit for pregnancy. What went wrong?

The next day, I was induced for delivery again and the pain started with the second dose of oxytocin. The moment I was given the third dose at 1pm, the pain became strong and I knew the baby is coming. As the midwife was checking and calling the doctor, I had the urge to push and delivered my baby. The doctors and midwives arrived and helped to further deliver my baby. I have delivered the baby in full sac and with the placenta attached at the top. I peeked and saw that the baby was big and it was so sad to see my baby lying still in the amniotic sac.

My beautiful daughter was then passed to me. She looked so poised and adorable. She could have been a perfect daughter, so calm and beautiful. She looked more like Satya and with my abdomen.
I was discharged the next day and we arranged for an autopsy. We really hope that they could find the reason of the fetal demise.

My was baby was cremated on Friday, March 7,2014. We brought back her bones to keep with us. Now I have two vials containing the bones of my two baby girls. I always wanted to become a mother. I was blessed with two pregnancies but I have no daughters to hold, kiss, adore, look after, smell, spoil and most importantly love...But all I have, is just the memories of my short pregnancies, ultrasound pictures and the bones of my babies... Amma chello kuddy babies...